"It was May 19, 1973  [and abortion was legal].  I was  pregnant from a date rape.  I had  tried to hide it from my parents but of course they found out.
hen the pressure started.  'How are you going to go to college with a baby?  How are you going to support it?  It is only a blob of blood. It's not a baby
yet.  Before I had time to think about what I wanted, the abortion was over.

The abortion itself was like a living hell. I thought my guts were being pulled out. It was degrading and I was terrified. When it was over, something made
me ask the doctor,  'Was  it a boy or a girl?'   He answered,  'I can't tell.  It's in pieces.'  The counseling consisted of throwing some birth control pills at me.

It's so  hard to put into  words  how the  abortion  affected  me.  Looking  back and knowing what I know I realize that I  was going  through  almost classic  Post-Abortion Syndrome.  I became a tramp and slept with anyone and everyone.  I engaged in unprotected sex and each month when I wasn't pregnant
I would go into a deep depression. I was rebellious.  I  wanted  my  parents  to see  what  I  had  become.  I  dropped  out of college.  I tried suicide,  but I didn't have  the guts to slit my  wrists or blow my brains out.  I couldn't get my hands on sleeping pills, so I resorted to over the counter sleep aids and booze.

When  that failed, I then  tried  to make  relationships work with men,  any man. I was driven with a need to have a child  and knew if I was married  my parents couldn't do anything  about  it.  When I married  in 1975 While my husband  and I are  still together, we have  had to work extra hard because I married  him for all the wrong reasons.

Five months after we were married my first child was born.  I was in heaven.  I doted on that baby. In  three months,  I was  pregnant  again  But this time
we lost our baby at 6 months.  Then  the depression that I had conquered came back  full  force. I can  remember thinking: 'I deserve this pain. I killed a baby and now GOD has taken  one  from me.  I deserve it.'  The  doctor felt  that I had  a weak  cervix, a common aftereffect of abortion, and that the weight of the baby was too much for  it and she  just fell out.  Four months later I was pregnant again.

It is hard to explain  this need to keep having  babies,  but I did. From 1976 with the  birth of my first living child, to 1985 at the birth of my  fourth and final  living child.  I was pregnant a total of eight times. With the birth of my last child the doctor didn't  leave me any  choice but to quit having children if I wanted to live to see the ones I had grow up.

In  trying to deal  with the abortion, I  had to face what I had  done and  beg  forgiveness from my GOD.  The hardest thing of all is trying to forgive myself.  It is a daily struggle to accept the forgiveness I know  the Lord has given me.  And I will never forget it. Only now I don't want to forget it, because it keeps me from getting compla-cent. I know if it helps others, I can talk about it. It always makes me cry, but if it saves just one mom and baby the pain, it's worth

I joined our local Right to Life and Crisis Pregnancy Center.  I have also had to forgive my parents.  I can still remember when I  walked into my  Mom's house  and threw  down a  picture of an aborted fetus and snarled, 'See what you made me do?'  She  has since become  pro-life herself and has told me how sorry she is.  I still have to fight against  my  anger at my Dad, because he still won't admit the abortion was wrong, at least for me.

Do all these things help? That's a hard one. Sometimes it does and sometimes the depression is too strong and time has to pass.   Not a day goes by that the abortion doesn't cross my mind.  It is a constant struggle trying to overcome  my guilt and  depression, even  knowing  I have  been forgiven.  I dread the day when I have to come face  to face  with my  little child  and explain  to her  why mamma  took her life.  But I also think I am a softer,  more caring  person  than  I might  have  been.  If  not  for the  abortion, I  might  have  turned  out 'pro-choice.''"

Nancy Adler

Originally published in The Post-Abortion Review 2(1), Winter 1993 Copyright 1993 Elliot Institute
Return to Testimonies Page
"Blessed be the GOD and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the GOD of all comfort, Who comforts us in all our afflictions so
that we may be able to comfort those, who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted of GOD"  - 
II Corinthians 1:3-4