| Women Tell Their Stories - Sandra - |
| I'm not Irish and I'm not Catholic. I'm not even particularly religious and I don't pretend to be either. My friend is a nurse (Catholic) and she gave me the booklet, My Greatest Regret. I cried and cried all night, it was as if I'd have written it myself. It's all my thoughts over these past five months, squeezed into one booklet. It's been five long months since my abortion, and the pain gets worse. It was the most disgusting heart-breaking thing I have ever done in my life. I cry for my aborted baby all the time. I've lost interest in every- thing. I hurt and I feel sick with guilt and self-hatred. Reading about 'Olive' was like reading about myself. I spend my time going over and over in my head about when I was in the clinic, and of all the time I had there to change my mind. Do you know I cried when the needle was put in my arm, and the nurse shouted at me. Apparently I kicked and screamed during the operation. I still can't believe I went through with it. Yet throughout all of this I've never once felt sorry for myself. I only feel sorry for my baby. I took an overdose to be with my baby. I was told I was selfish and to think of the people I'd leave behind. These are the people that told me that to kill my baby would be the 'best thing'. The best thing for whom? Not for my baby, certainly. So why shouldn't I kill myself? I mean, after all it's my choice. My baby didn't have that choice. I wish I could explain to my baby why I did it. What would I say? "I'm sorry, I was very young and fright-ened and your father is almost double my age. I was thrown out of home and I panicked, so I decided to violently destroy you." There's no excuse -- I cannot justify myself. And the baby's father? Well, he left me soon after the abortion. He said I'd changed. Still, I suppose it must be difficult to have a relationship with someone who is constantly sobbing or in a daze. He tells me to pull myself together and to stop crying over something that didn't exist. Why did I have to abort it if it never existed? I love him so much, yet he left me when I needed him the most. I can't break away from him. We created life togther, and I destroyed it. I plod on. I don't tear much now (what's the point?). I'm resigned to the fact that I probably won't have a relationship with anyone else. Who'd want me spending all my time crying over another man's child? I'll always regret having my baby killed, but what can I do? I want a baby so much but getting pregnant again frightens me so much. It'll remind me of the first time. I don't deserve to be given another chance any- way, when so many women cannot conceive at all. And the point of my letter? I just wanted to say thank you for your booklet. I know I'm not alone and it helps. As I said, I'm not particularly religious but I just hope and pray that God will forgive me for my dis- gusting sin and allow me a chance to be happy, although I don't deserve it. Baby, I love you. Thank you for listening. |
| Women Hurt By Abortion - An Approach to Healing - A network of confidential, caring, self-help centres for post-abortion girls and women, offering support, understanding and an approach to lasting healing. 9 Upper Dorset St, Dublin 1, Ireland For Further Information from: Anne (01 847 3780) |
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