I'm not Irish  and I'm not  Catholic.  I'm not even  particularly religious  and I  don't pretend to be either. My friend is a nurse  (Catholic)  and she gave me the booklet,  My Greatest Regret. I cried and cried all night, it was as if I'd have  written  it myself. It's all my  thoughts  over  these  past five months,  squeezed  into one booklet.

It's been five  long  months since  my  abortion,  and the  pain gets worse.  It was the most disgusting heart-breaking thing I have ever done in my life.  I
cry for my aborted baby all the time.  I've lost interest in everything.  I hurt and I feel sick with guilt and self-hatred.  Reading about  'Olive'  was like read- ing about myself. I spend my time going  over and  over in my head  about when I was  in the clinic,  and of all the  time I had there to change my mind. 
you know 
I cried when  the  needle was  put in my  arm, and  the nurse shouted at me.  Apparently I kicked and screamed during the  operation.  I still
can't  believe I went through with it.  Yet  throughout all of  this  I've  never once felt sorry for myself. I only feel sorry for my baby.  I took an overdose to
be with my baby.  I was  told I was selfish  and to think of  the people I'd leave behind.  These are the  people that  told me that to kill my baby would be
the 'best  thing'.  The best thing for whom?  Not for my baby, certainly. So why shouldn'tI kill  myself?  I mean, after all it's my choice.  My baby didn't have that choice.

I wish I could explain to my baby why I did it.  What would I say?  "I'm sorry, I was very young and frightened and  your father is  almost double my  age.  I was thrown out of  home and I panicked, so I  decided to violently destroy you."  There's no excuse -- I cannot justify myself.

And the baby's father?  Well, he left me soon after the abortion.  He said I'd changed.  Still, I suppose it must be difficult to have a relationship with someone who is constantly sobbing or in a daze.  He tells  me to pull myself together and to stop crying over  something that didn't exist.  Why did I have
to abort it if it never existed?  I love him so much, yet he left me  when I needed him  the most.  I can't  break away from him.  We created life togther, and I destroyed it.

I plod on.  I don't tear much now  (what's the point?).  I'm resigned to the  fact that I probably won't have a relationship with anyone else.  Who'd want me spending all my time crying over another man's child?

I'll always regret having my baby killed,  but what  can I do?  I want  a baby  so much  but  getting pregnant again frightens me so much. It'll remind me of the first time. I don't deserve to be given another chance anyway, when so many women cannot conceive at all. 

And the point of my letter?  I just wanted  to say  thank you  for your  booklet.  I know  I'm not  alone and it helps.  As I said,  I'm not particularly  religious
but I just hope and pray that GOD will forgive me for my disgusting sin and allow me a chance to  be happy, although I don't deserve it.

Baby, I love you.  Thank you for listening.


Women Hurt By Abortion - An Approach to Healing - A network of confidential, caring, self-help centres for post-abortion girls  and women,  offering support, understanding and an approach to lasting healing.  9 Upper Dorset St, Dublin 1, Ireland  For Further Information from:  Anne (01 847 3780)
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"Blessed be the GOD and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the GOD of all comfort, Who comforts us in all our afflictions so
that we may be able to comfort those, who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted of GOD" 
- II Corninthias 1:3-4