| THE PERSON BEHIND THE MASK by Eva Marie Stover |
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| "Who was hiding behind the mask?" I'd wondered to myself, "and why?" The sinister, misterious mask was now watching me, following my every move. "Who are you?" I cried, challenging the fugitive behind that great wall of gloom. "Why are you wearing that hideous mask?" Even as I was speaking, I'd felt drawn to that well-hidden secret soon to be revealed. All of a sudden, I found myself sailing through the corridors of time to another place in my life. The opulent colors of light which enveloped me were quickly fading into obscure darkness. Touched suddenly by a deep sense of insecurity, I reached out towards emptiness to rip off the disguise. "Dear G-D," echoes a familiar voice racked by guilt, torment, and shame. There inside that cold, dark tomb of hopeless-ness and despair, a wretched soul was found chained mercilessly to the sins of her past. As I looked more intently upon the lone figure wasting away in the darkness, I came face-to-face with reality, and discovered that the person behind the mask was me. |
| THE CONSEQUENCE OF SIN = DEATH |
| I can't even describe all the physical and spiritual pain I'd suffered, following my abortion in 1971. For a great many years, I'd hid behind the evil mask of rationalization and denial, brought on by a life of sin. In vain, I justified my abortion experience by convincing myself that it was the best "choice" for me at the time. Yet the repercussions stemming from that fatal decision would haunt me for many years to come. Apart from G-D, I was slowly dying in my sins. I was a total mess. I was angry with myself and bitter at life. Each new day was worse for me than the day before. I became anorexic/bullimic, intentionally vomiting my food after every meal and even abusing laxatives to purge myself. I'd smoked an average of 1-1/2 packs of cigarettes per day. I found it hard to sleep at night, as there was a constant ringing in my ears that was slowly driving me mad. My weight plummeted to 100 pounds (which was not healthy for a woman who stood 5-feet 8- inches tall). At that time, I was also suffering constant pain in the lower regions of my body. At the age of 28 I had a hysterectomy. To no avail, I'd tried to fill the void in my life via drugs, alcohol, and even the occult. I'd even tried suicide, but all my attempts had failed and left me more miserable than ever before. I had no real and lasting peace. The enemy knew how to take advantage of my pain, disappointments, and fears, and used them to keep me chained to my past. Out of fear and desperation, I'd chosen death for my child, and part of me died as a result. |
| BREAKING THROUGH DENIAL |
| My sin did find me out. I had to come to that place in my life where I needed to move from the state of denial and rationalization to confronting the "person behind the mask". Denying the fact that I had sinned against G-D by playing a major role in my child's death pushed me into further bondage. I was afraid to confront my sinful past because I knew that it would hurt too much. Yet, in order for me to embark on the road to recovery, I had to be honest with myself and with G-D by acknowledging my guilt. Apart from G-D, there was no hope for me. ("You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free" -- John 8:32). |
| DIVINE INTERVENTION |
| In 1981, while barely holding onto life, the L-RD sent an "earthly-angel" to minister His love to me. I will for-ever be indebted to my neighbor who'd seemed to have only one mission in life, namely me. When I'd shared my life with her, her eyes didn't reflect judgment or condemnation. Instead, I saw G-D's love and compassion looking back at me. In all my life, I'd never encountered that kind of love before. It was hard for me to understand how G-D could love me despite all I'd done. Though I knew I deserved His judgment and condemna-tion, He gave me love, mercy, and forgiveness instead. On July 29, 1981, I surrendered my life to the G-D of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. That very day, He gave me a brand new heart. Believe me, when G-D forgives a person, He sets one free from all guilt and transgressions permanently and "without strings attached". He not only forgives, but He also forgets the sins one has committed ("As far as the east is from the west, so far hath He removed our transgressions from us" -- Psalms 103:12). There is no sin so great that G-D cannot forgive nor wound so deep that His love cannot heal. I've held onto this precious promise of His since the very day I'd surrendered my life to Him; and it has remained my testimony wherever I share His restorative power and love with a spiritually hurting, dying world. |
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| THE VOICE OF EXPERIENCE - A JOURNEY TOWARDS HEALING . . . |
| "HAVE mercy upon me, O G-D, according to Thy lovingkindness: According unto the multitude of Thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions: And my sin is ever before me. Against Thee, Thee only have I sinned, and done this evil in Thy sight..." [Psalm 51:1-4]. |
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| THE MASK OF RATIONALIZATION AND DENIAL |